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Debbie McDaniel

choosing joy and gratefulness in the gift of each new day

You are here: Home / Faith / “What Do I Say to My Kids?” 7 Things – Talking to Kids About Tragedy

“What Do I Say to My Kids?” 7 Things – Talking to Kids About Tragedy

December 14, 2012 by Debbie 5 Comments

Still seem to be searching for words…unable to wrap my mind around the senselessness of it all.
 
Along with many of you, I feel completely heart-broken, spirit-grieved over the very sad loss of this family in our neighborhood.
 
Quite sure that every mom in Cypress, and especially right here in Coles Crossing, hugged their own precious ones a little tighter this morning, and a lot longer.
 
Tried to carefully and wisely form words at breakfast, for 3 young hearts who needed to hear something from us, first, before they heard things at school.   Hardest thing in the world to find words to communicate, in kid format, something that seems so horrific in our own minds, and still desperately trying to protect young minds from knowing too much information.
 
Like me, their faces grew numb, I could see the “how, why, when” all at work in their minds…  Finally Noah, eyes cast down, said quietly, “Mom, he just told me at recess the other day, ‘hey Noah, I’m going to 8 yrs. old in 3 days.'”  I fought back tears as that nugget hit my heart.  Hard.  Heavy.  Cold.
 
Then the whisper came.  Quietly.  Softly.  Truth.  Spoken to a mama’s heart that hurt for 2 boys whose desks would sit empty at school, who would no longer run at recess, and play with friends, for the boy who would never turn 8.  The sudden awareness spoken deep down to my soul that these 2 precious boys were now safe. 
 
Forever.
 
“Dear one, they are safe, they are safe, they are safe with Me, and they still run…”
 
I gulped down the words, then said them out loud to 3 hearts that needed to know.
 
“They are safe with our Savior. We can’t understand everything. We can’t change what happened. But here on earth, and later in Heaven, where we’ll still run, we are always, always safe with our Savior.”
 
Like many of you, as a mom to 3 kids, my heart feels the weight of incredible heaviness for those affected by the family loss and tragedy today in Cypress.  Mom, Dad, 2 boys, all gone.  Murder-Suicide?  Questions still remain.  The why’s will probably never be answered completely this side of heaven.
 
And it’s often at these times when the “why” seems so hard to even begin to grasp…when our minds can’t quite wrap around such senseless acts…that I’m reminded of some of the most important things in life.  Hug your kids.  Tell your family how much you love them.  Thank God that you have today.
 

Something that many of us may struggle with in the aftermath of grief and tragedy is simply this, “so what do we tell our kids?”

Here’s a few things that may help give guidance:

1.  Turn off the news.  Be careful not to surround yourselves in media hype, be protective over how much your children hear from all the “outside noise” and over what you’re choosing to listen to.

2.   Be honest.  Don’t feel the need to cover truth in order to protect your kids, but be wise and careful with what and how many details your share.  Often kids just want to know “what happened,” they’re not really asking about all of the details surrounding the event.  Ask God for wisdom as you share.  Follow your kids lead as to what specifically they’re wanting to know.

3.  Go on with normalcy, as much as possible.  As tough as it may be while you work through your own grief, remain calm and secure with them.  Kids are such expert “readers” of our emotions, it’s OK to be sad, reflective – that’s honest.  But,  resist the urge to be overly anxious and fearful, and constantly talk about the story.  They take their cues from us as parents.

4.  Remind them that they are safe.  Remind them that even though we live in a world where, unfortunately, hard things sometimes happen, we can fully trust in the fact that God is always with us.  We are never outside His care.  We do not have to walk in fear.

5.  Validate their feelings and thoughts.  Listen to them.  You may not even want to talk about difficult things, but make sure you’ve given them some time to work it through.  Often for kids, just drawing a picture, writing some words, or being free to ask more questions as the days go by, brings healing and comfort.  Resist the urge to just quickly sweep things under the rug.  

6.   Remind your kids how incredibly important they are to you, and to God.  Hug them.  Tell them you love them.  Remind them that you are a strong family, that you are there for one another no matter what.

7.   Keep conversations open-ended.  Remember that, like many things in life,  having ongoing conversations are sometimes more important and meaningful over time than just one “big” conversation.  Don’t be afraid to talk about hard things.  Fear.  Death.  Eternity.  Heaven.  Open the doors for more discussions.  You don’t have to have all the answers, you don’t have to be a Bible scholar, it’s OK to say, “I’m not sure, but that’s such a great question, let’s search for the answer.”

I am constantly made aware in the midst of this crazy world in which we live, that we don’t have to walk in a spirit of fear, but with the very deep awareness that we live in a real world – where real suffering does exist.  And in the end, it will NOT win. 

Praying for God’s mercy to cover our community…our families…our friends. 

“God is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”  Psalm 34:18

 

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Filed Under: Faith, Family, God's Truth, Kids, Life Tagged With: school, what to tell your kids about tragedy

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Kathy Lynn says

    February 1, 2014 at 7:52 am

    Incredibly thoughtful!

    Reply
    • Debbie says

      February 3, 2014 at 6:49 pm

      Kathy Lynn, thanks so much for reading, debbie

      Reply
  2. Kyla Mote says

    February 1, 2014 at 9:51 pm

    Brought tears to my eyes! Miss your 3 precious kiddos and those two sweet boys!

    Reply
    • Debbie says

      February 3, 2014 at 6:48 pm

      Kyla, we miss seeing you! thank you for reading, so glad to see your name. thinking of you, Debbie

      Reply
  3. Steve Seelig says

    July 20, 2014 at 2:05 pm

    Oh my goodness! Debbie, your words are anointed. You have captured reality, honesty, and a touch of the Spirit of God. I’m so happy for you. It’s amazing what you are dong with your words and your life.
    I’d love to sit down and discuss this with you.
    Blessings, Papa Steve

    Reply

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